It's On Your Mind
by Hopeless Shipper
Summary: S3 opener. What does Meredith do? And what about Addison? All the interns play a part but mostly MerDer. Season 3 is kind of dragging for me so this is my version...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Although I wish I owned PD's anatomy.

There is more to come, but this is my first fic. Please review! Thanks...

CHAPTER ONE

Looking. Just looking at her. This was too much and she felt as if her heart was going to shatter. As she looked from one to the other Meredith did what she does best. She ran. Not saying a single word. Ran down the stairs and out into the cool night air. _Breathe Grey. Just Breathe._ And she went home to help someone who was in deeper than she was.

Derek Shepherd didn't know what to do. But that seemed to be happening a lot lately. Seattle was supposed to be a fresh start for him. He loved it here. The fresh air. His land. The ferryboats. How had everything become such a mess? Well he knew the answer to that. His own inabilities to do what he knew that he must. It should have been simple. Addison was the only woman Derek had ever loved, or at least used to be. Until Meredith. _Meredith. _He could still smell her on his skin. Feel the texture of her hair in his hands. As he felt the little scrap of black silk in his pocket, reality set in.

"Ready to go home Derek?"

Ah, and there she was. Hoping to hide his feelings, which were plainly visible on his handsome, yet tired face, he tightly smiled and left with his wife. He glanced back at the poor man still standing quietly behind him and gave him a sad smile. _If only you knew. _Derek knew what it felt like to watch Meredith Grey run away from you.

Addison pulled the car over halfway home. She parked on an empty side street. "I think there are some things that we need to talk about Derek,"said Addison. "Not now Addie, I just want to go home. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day."Addison sighed and shook her head, tired of running into brick walls when all she wanted was the truth to be out in the open. She was not a stupid woman. But for some reason when it came to the man sitting across from her, all of her intellect and strength flew out the window. "Okay Derek, but make some time for me tomorrow. We have to talk." And they drove home to the tiny trailer and just let it be.

The hospital was buzzing with all that had happened the day before. There was still clean up from the prom going on, and Bailey's interns were swamped, since they were one person short. Meredith had barely had a moment to herself all day, and her body felt as if it was falling apart. But in a way she was glad for the distraction of work. It kept her from thinking. Derek kept looking at her with questioning eyes, and she had told Finn that she needed some time to take care of Izzie. And wonderful man that he was he simply said okay. He understood more than anyone what Izzie was dealing with. Meredith knew in her heart what she wanted. But what you want isn't always the right plan of action. And she was done running to Derek Shepherd. She was done blindly trusting him. The one thing she had decided last night while she was supposed to be sleeping was that if he wanted her, he would have to come to her. Period. No more sad eyes, longing glances or whispered questions about what they were supposed to do now. He was the one who was married. He was the one with the decision to make. As nice and kind as Finn was, there was no comparison in her heart. No contest. It was Derek. Always Derek. But she was done being the whipping dog. Derek was a grown man, and if he wanted her, by god he was going to have to prove it.

And at that moment Addison Shepherd walked up and handed Meredith her black panties.

"I think these belong to you," said Addison slipping them into Meredith's hand.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

"Addison…" Meredith didn't know what to do. Lying was not an option. She was through lying for or about Derek Shepherd.

"No Meredith, not here, not now. Derek doesn't know about this. He doesn't even realize that I know. He's been in a stupor for the last six months. I would appreciate it if you would at least give me until the end of the day before you say anything to him." And with that, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd walked brusquely away.

Addison released a huge sigh as she walked away from Meredith. She was so close to losing control. A lot of things were going to change after tonight. She was meeting Derek at home at seven. Addison sucked in a sharp breath at the thought of his reaction to what she had to say. _ You can do this. You can. _And Derek thought he was the one with the confession to make. Addison laughed, a short nervous sound coming from the back of her throat. Not hardly. And after checking in on her post op patient, Addison left Seattle Grace to do something that should have been done long ago.

Derek was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. He was glad to have the night off, but not glad for the way he had to spend that coming evening. He would much rather be in the middle of the lake on a boat with a case of beer. But Derek knew that he finally had to face his problems and right the wrongs that he had been causing two women that loved him. Neither one of them deserved it, and it had been drug out long enough. Derek knew that there was not an easy road in front of him, but it was one that must be traveled so his soul would finally feel whole again. He was afraid to be left at the end of the day with nothing. Even though he felt that he deserved it. But that didn't matter anymore. All the mattered was her. Nothing and no one else. He had heard the nurses whispering all day long, been treated icily by Dr. Torres. He didn't care any more. Derek Shepherd had finally made up his mind. He made a long overdue phone call and prepared to leave for the day.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Meredith sat on a gurney in the basement eating a banana. George came and sat beside her.

"Hi George."

"Hey. Izzie is um, still sleeping. I just talked to Alex. He said she won't eat."

"I can't blame her. Izzie needs time. We all do."

"Shouldn't we, you know, be making arrangements?"

Meredith slowly nodded her head. "I guess someone has to. I don't think Iz will be up to it."

George got up, took a few steps, turned around and stopped. "Callie told me what happened. Are you okay Meredith?"

With tears welling in her eyes, touched that this man she had hurt still cared, Meredith just smiled. A slow, sad smile. "Yeah George. Thanks."

And George nodded his head and walked away. It was hard for him to see Meredith so hurt. But his pain was still too fresh to comfort her any more than that. What he didn't know was that small step meant more to Meredith than anything.

Addison sat at the tiny table in the trailer nervously tapping her foot. _Where the hell is he?_ She was growing more agitated by the minute. Addison got up and went outside to pace on the porch. The tiny trailer was making her claustrophobic. And she saw Derek just sitting there, staring at nothing. He looked up at her, waiting. _Deep breaths Addison._ It was amazing that he could look so calm when her heart was racing. She smiled, an anxious, uneasy smile, and decided to jump in with both feet.

"I know about Meredith. Hell everyone knows about you and Meredith. I know that you love her and that you never really stopped. I know that you haven't been fair to me and really given our marriage a chance. I know that you slept with her last night. I know that you lie in bed at night and think about holding her instead of me. And Derek, I know that none of those things matter anymore."

Derek just sat there, not saying anything or showing any emotion. Waiting for her to continue.

"They don't matter because I haven't told you the truth. You aren't the only liar in this situation Dr. Shepherd. I am too. There are a lot of things that went on in New York that you don't know about. And a lot of things that are still going on that you don't know about."

Derek cleared his throat. Not wanting to interrupt, seeing that she needed to continue. "Like what?" He asked softly. But Derek Shepherd was no fool. He could guess what was coming.

"I lived with Mark. In New York, after you left. We lived together, and he loved me Derek. Loved ME. Not the surgeon, not the doctor, but me. He loved me so deeply that it scared the hell out of me. Then I got a phone call from Richard Webber telling me that my husband was involved with an intern. So I left New York. I ran away. And I ran to you, hoping that I could get back what we had. Because it was comfortable, and familiar. And I ran away from Mark. Because I couldn't face what I was starting to have with him. It hurt too much. It reminded me of how we used to be. So I ran. And I have tried Derek. But I can't lie anymore. When Mark was here before he didn't only come here for Richard, for a consult. He came here to ask me to marry him. I didn't have an answer. I left him waiting at Joe's. And he left. But last week, I called him. I said yes Derek."

She had done it. Finally. What had been eating away at her for weeks was out of her body. No more poison eating at her soul. And surprisingly, she was alright. No sobbing fit. No tears. Just a strange sense of relief. And then she looked at Derek.

He was smiling. Smiling a sad, nostalgic smile. "What are you thinking about?" asked Addison.

"About you. When we first met, and your enthusiasm, and the longest fiery red hair I had ever seen. We're not the same people who fell in love Addie. And we haven't been for a long time. We've been together for the wrong reasons, and it wasn't fair to either one of us. We did ourselves an injustice. And Mer…" With that Derek stopped talking.

"And Meredith." whispered Addison. "Go Derek. Go. I can't say I'm happy about what you did, but it's over. Go to her." Addison turned away to wipe the tears from her eyes. Derek bent over and pulled something out of his bag. He stood up and handed a file to Addison. "Here are the papers. I've already signed them. Please just sign them and leave them here. You can stay as long as it takes for you to make arrangements. I'll get a room."

She couldn't stay in the place that had seen so little happiness for them. In the place that Derek loved. And she couldn't stay because someone was waiting for her. Someone that loved and wanted her. She decided to tell him the truth. "No I'm not staying. Mark is on his way here. To Seattle. I'll be at the Regency. Good bye Derek." Addison gathered her already packed bags and slowly walked away from the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Sorry for some of the shorter chapters. I just feel that there needs to be a transitional break between some points of the story. Thanks for the reviews! Keep em coming!

CHAPTER FOUR

Meredith had a long day at the hospital. She finally had gotten to leave at three in the morning. She wanted nothing more than to go home, shower, and check on Izzie and go to sleep. She was so tired that tonight she might actually get some rest. Meredith climbed into her Jeep and started the engine. She slowed as she passed Joe's, but decided against it. A shower and her bed sounded more intoxicating than any amount of tequila. She pulled in the drive and just sat there for a moment, head resting on the steering wheel. She felt like she was about to crack. George and Callie were going to call around tomorrow and make arrangements for a funeral service, so she didn't have to worry about that. She wondered how Izzie would take the news. Izzie still wouldn't get out of bed, and wouldn't let Alex leave her side except to go to the hospital.

And then, she wondered what Derek was doing right at that moment. Probably sleeping. With Addison. She imagined those beautiful blue eyes looking at her first thing in the morning. Rolling her over so he could hold her. Kissing her. Telling her how much…_Stop it. Just stop. _Sighing, Meredith got out of the car to go inside. On her front porch was a single red rose with a note. _ I need to see you. _Meredith threw it off the porch and went inside. _Not that easy Dr._ she thought.

_2:14. Jesus._ Derek had to be at the hospital in less than four hours. At this rate he would be lucky to make it in at all. He lay in bed wondering if Meredith got his note, or if she cared. He knew he had a long way to go. He couldn't go to her at the hospital; she wouldn't answer his pages, so the rose was all he could think of. Derek didn't know how to feel. Relieved, sad, angry, hopeful…How can you feel all of those emotions at the same time? All he knew was that he didn't want to sleep another night without the love of his life by his side. Far too many had already passed. Thinking of Meredith, and the smell of her hair he finally drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

_Beep. Beep. Be-_. Dr. Shepherd threw the alarm clock on the floor. Time to face Seattle Grace. That place was worse than high school. But he made his bed, and now he would lie in it. Derek stepped into the shower, wanting to get his last conversation with Addison out of the way. The sooner the papers were signed and sent to the attorneys, the better. He wasn't angry with her any more. She deserved someone to treat her well. She deserved the kind of love that he felt. For Meredith. He and Addison were more than even. Mark on the other hand, was a different story.

Meredith lay in bed, not wanting to move. She could hear movement in the hallway and got up to see how Izzie was.

"Hey Mer," said Izzie. "I'm um, sort of hungry. I was kind of hoping that you could eat breakfast with me before you go to the hosp… to you know, work."

"Yeah Iz, yeah. I have to go in at 11."

"George wants me to um, to go with him to pick out a, you know, a casket for Den-" and with that Isobel Stevens collapsed into tears.

As she sat on the hallway floor and held her heartbroken friend, Meredith realized how much worse her situation could be.

Derek completed his morning rounds and his first surgery of the day. He was at the nurse's station talking to Debbie about a patient, when Addison walked up.

"Good Morning Derek."

"Good Morning Dr. Montgomery." Addison flinched slightly at the shortening of her last name. It felt strange to her. As did the absence of the rings on her left hand.

"Do you have the papers?" asked Derek.

"They're in our, um my hotel room. Mark wanted to look at them."

"Well Addison I don't really think the terms of our divorce are any of Mark's business. I'm being more than fair to you. For God's sake just sign the damn papers! I want this over!"

"You don't have the right to talk to her like that. Not that you ever did." Mark Sloan walked up behind Derek and shoved him away from Addison.

And Meredith Grey walked into the beginning of another day at Seattle Grace.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Please off some critiques of the actual story. I have a few directions I am thinking about going. Any advice is very greatly appreciated!

CHAPTER SIX

"So was it good?" asked Cristina as Meredith was getting her scrubs on in the locker room.

Meredith gave her a look that plainly said she would like to choke her best friend. "What do you want me to say Cristina? That it was great, it was the best sex I've ever had? That I don't care about the fact that McDreamy has a wife? That I am content to be the dirty mistress again? That I'm my mother all over again?" Meredith heard whispers and laughter as other interns left the locker room. "Great." she said as she sank down onto the bench.

"I'm sorry Meredith. Sometimes I'm not so good with the whole 'supportive' thing. You know?"

"I know. And I'm sorry. But the first thing I saw this morning was Derek and Addison, and then Mark Sloan. I don't know what's going on. Addison hands me my panties. And walks away. Derek hasn't spoken to me. He left some stupid flower on my porch. That's it? Seriously? A flower. Men are stupid." Cristina shook her head, knowing that sometimes men aren't the only ones who don't know what to do. She was battling her own demons. And Meredith and Cristina walked out to get their assignments for the day.

After spending four hours in the pit Meredith went outside to enjoy a brief lunch break. She joined Cristina who was already outside. They were talking about Burke when the male Dr. Shepherd decided to sit down next to Meredith. He said "Hi" and picked up half of her sandwich. Meredith dropped the half she was holding and just stared at him as the break area became mysteriously quiet.

"What are you doing Derek?" she whispered.

"Did you get my note?"

"Yes."

"Well I needed to see you."

"Well, now you see me. You don't just get to act like everything is fine Derek. It's not. What do you want?"

"I want you to come to the trailer tonight."

"No."

"Then I want to come to your house. I want to serenade you in your driveway. I don't care. I need to talk to you Mer. There is something that you need to know."

"Are you divorced?"

"I gave Addison the signed papers my attorney drew up."

"And?"

"And she wanted to look over them. _Mark_ is supposed to bring them back to the hospital. It's over Meredith."

"I'll believe that when I see it." And with that Meredith Grey took herself and her dignity back to work.

"Nice work McDreamy." snickered Yang as she went to follow her friend.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Addison met Derek in the parking lot later that night. She handed him the signed divorce decree.

"Well," said Addison.

"It's over."

"Yeah."

As they look at each other Addison started to cry. "Look Derek, I just want you to know…"

"Don't Addie. Leave it. We both did things we're not proud of. Now we can move on. This is it."

Addison wiped her tears away and nodded her head.

"So when are you leaving for New York?" asked Derek.

"Well, I'm-we're not. That's what I wanted to tell you this morning. Derek we're staying in Seattle. At least until my contract is up."

Derek turned away and began walking to his car. He told himself that he didn't care. It didn't matter where Addison or Mark were. He had a chance to start over with Meredith. That's all that mattered.

Meredith's cell phone had three messages on it when she checked it later that night before going home.

"_Hey Meredith its Finn. I just wanted to see if you were OK. Call me when you can."_

"_Meredith, it's Finn again. Haven't heard from you. OK, Bye."_

"_Well I guess this is my answer. Sorry"_

Wow. Finn sounded progressively more irritated. _I guess I can't blame him. _Meredith knew after what happened at prom it wouldn't be fair to subject Finn to her life at this point. She knew that until she was over Derek it was not right to drag someone else into their mess. She called Finn from her car in the parking lot. He answered on the first ring.

"Hi."

"Hi Meredith. How are you doing?"

"Not so great. Look I know I owe you a huge explanation, but I don't want-"

"It's OK. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I know you've needed to be there for Izzie. How is she?"

Seriously, how could someone be this nice? "Izzie is, well, not so good. But Alex has really helped her more than anyone. Denny's funeral is on Friday."

"Is there anything I can do? I've been through it. I might be able to help her."

This was going to be a lot harder than she thought. Meredith knew how to deal with anger, jealousy, and heartache. Not how to deal with someone who was so well, nice. "Finn look. There are too many things going on for me right now. It's just, well, not good timing. I need some time. A LOT of time to figure things out."

"You mean Derek."

Meredith heaved a sigh. She should have known Finn would see. "Yes I do. And myself. And I need to be there for Izzie and Cristina. It's just too much and it's not fair to you. I'm not asking you to wait on me; I just don't want to lead you on. I am in love with Derek. I never stopped being in love with Derek."

There was dead silence on the other end.

"Finn?"

"You deserve so much more than him. You deserve more Meredith and I just wish you would let me show you that."

"Finn…"

"No, take whatever time you need. I hope you figure that out before he hurts you again. Good bye Meredith."

"Good bye Finn." Meredith whispered to the dial tone.

Derek Shepherd was making plans. Everything was in place for tomorrow. He realized that he was going to have to do more than just make up to Meredith. He was going to have to prove that she could trust him again. And that was going to be an uphill battle. But he was determined. As Derek lay back looking up at the stars a smile spread across his handsome face. He was hopeful and looking forward to the future for the first time in many years.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Meredith was getting ready for her shift at the hospital. She actually felt better this morning and was looking forward to going to work. As long as she could avoid certain people. _Don't drag yourself down Grey._ She hoped to get into at least one surgery today. Meredith looked in on a sleeping Izzie before she left. Tomorrow was Denny's funeral and Izzie had gone to pick out the casket. But she hadn't said anything else. Meredith was worried about her friend. She wondered how she would get through tomorrow. Alex, George and Meredith had the day off. Bailey was being really understanding about the whole thing. Of course there was the threat of retribution and being assigned to enemas for a month if anyone found out. The also had a new intern. Meredith liked him, but he wasn't Izzie. Hopefully seeing Denny's funeral would help her friend deal with some of her grief and guilt. Meredith wanted to help and wasn't sure what to do.

Fate being what it is Meredith was in the ER when the gunshot victim came in. She was assigned to surgery with a certain Dr. McDreamy. _Great, this is not the surgery that I wanted to be in on._ "Grey, move!" said Dr. Bailey. And Meredith left to help prep the OR.

As Derek was navigating the pathways of his patient's brain all he could think about was the person standing next to him. He so desperately wanted just to hold her, and have her back with him where she belonged. What was he going to do to try and prove that he would never hurt her again? And inspiration struck. He looked over at the beautiful woman standing next to him. Their eyes met. And locked. _Look away, please look away. _It felt like time was standing still. The ends of Derek's eyes crinkled in the way they did when he gave her that smile. Their smile. This was not going to be easy.

While they were scrubbing after the surgery Meredith tried her best to ignore him. It didn't work.

"I want to take you somewhere after work."

"Tomorrow is Denny's funeral Derek. I need to be with Izzie tonight. She hasn't even acknowledged what's going on. I have to be there for her. I don't know what to do, but at least I can be there. To help her in anyway that I can."

"Can I have an hour? Please?"

All she wanted to do was say yes, yes you can have whatever you want. Those blue eyes had a way of turning all of her resolve into mush. She had to snap out of it.

"No Derek, you're still married, and I'm not going to be seen wi-"

Derek put his finger to her lips. "Meredith, please just think about it. Go change your clothes. If you change your mind meet me out front. I'll be waiting." And he left her there again not knowing what to do. What she didn't see was Dr. Shepherd walking out with a grin on his face.

Meredith sat next to Alex in the locker room. "Have you talked to Iz today?"

"Yeah. She just kept making me promise I wouldn't leave her tomorrow."

"Did she say anything about the funeral?"

"No. I just told her that I would be there for her all day and however long she needs me."

"Thanks Alex. I know this isn't easy for you."

"It doesn't matter how it is for me." Alex shook his head, slammed his locker door and left to go take care of the one person he would do anything for.

Meredith watched him go, seeing a side of Alex he didn't let many people witness.

As she opened her locker to change her clothes she was still struggling about whether to meet Derek or not. She reached up to pull out her clothes and a manila folder fell onto the floor. _What is this? _As she started reading tears fell from her eyes.

"Derek."

"Addison." He didn't even look her way.

"What are you doing?"

"Waiting for Meredith."

She should have known. "Look Derek, we are working in the same hospital. We have to get along."

"No Addison, we have to be polite. We don't have to get along."

Where was this coming from? "Well I only-"

"I know that you took something of mine that wasn't any of your concern."

Addison instantly knew what he was talking about. "I didn't know they were yours. I thought they were Meredith's." She managed to sound sarcastic, while she was actually cringing on the inside. She didn't know what had gotten into her when she took Meredith's panties out of his pocket. She was just hurt and angry and wanted Meredith to feel the same way.

Derek finally looked at her and shook his head. "So what did you do Addison, burn them in the moonlight and do a little dance? Go away."

"No actually, I gave them to your lover." With that Addison held her head up high and walked away. Meredith watched this from inside the hospital doors.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: This will be it for a few days. Denny's funeral is going to be tough for me.

CHAPTER NINE

"You have an hour." Meredith resigned herself to the fact that they did all work together so she was going to have to deal with seeing them talking. And it didn't look like they had a great conversation anyway.

Derek's face lit up with happiness. "You're here. Great. So I take it you got my surprise?" Derek's face turned serious as tears fell down her beautiful face. "Mer, please don't. It's over. And I'll do whatever it takes, and wait as long as I have to for you to trust me again."

"Derek I just-I just…" Meredith took a minute to get her emotions under control. "Okay, I have waited for this day for so long. And I wish that everything could just go back to the way it used to be, but it can't. You broke me. And I'm broken. Still. And I don't know if I'm fixable. And I think that maybe I need to fix myself. But I can't stay away from you. I just can't. And I can't take your McDreamy eyes in surgery. Or now. I just…"

Derek put his arms around her and gave her a gentle hug. "Meredith we only have an hour. I need you to have just a little faith in me." Derek guided her to the car. " Please." And she nodded her head and got in, wiping the tears away.

They pulled up in front of Derek's trailer. Meredith shook her head, giving him a dirty look. "No Derek."

Derek just smiled. "We're not even going inside. Come on."

Meredith got out of the car and he led her to the back of the trailer. Spread out before her was the most amazing picnic she had ever seen. There was a canopy with white gauze and tiny white lights. A rustic looking picnic table with a huge array of food spread out. And red roses. Everywhere.

Meredith couldn't believe her eyes.

"Derek. I don't know what to say! How did you do this?" Meredith's eyes traveled everywhere soaking in the beautiful stars, the woods, and the man standing next to her.

"I had a little help from some friends." Derek winked at her and pulled her over to the table. "Please sit down and enjoy yourself. But eat fast you only have an hour." And he whispered in her ear. "You can't toss all these roses off your porch." She looked up at him and smiled.

They ate and talked and laughed. When it was nearing eleven Derek offered to take Meredith home. She nodded her head, not wanting to leave but knowing it was what she had to do. "Okay," she whispered softly. This was the problem with spending time together. It was too easy for her to believe that everything was back to normal. There was no Addison, no broken heart. No lies.

Derek pulled up in her driveway and turned the car off. "Thank you," said Meredith. "It was beautiful. I still want to know who helped you."

"Well, actually it was Izzie and a reluctant Alex."

"What!" said Meredith. She had only seen Izzie leave the house twice in the last few days. She couldn't believe it.

"I came over this morning to see if you had left yet. Izzie answered the door and we just started talking. She said that she never wanted anyone to feel the pain that she does. I told her Addison and I signed the divorce papers and she said that if I really loved you that she would help me, because sometimes you only get one chance and you have to do what you think is right. And Alex said if I hurt you it would be the end of my career because I can't operate without hands." Derek chuckled and thought how glad he was that she had these people that loved her so much. "And Izzie asked me if I would be around tomorrow. I told her that I would be. But I want to make sure that you are okay with me being at Denny's funeral."

"I think Izzie is going to need as many people as possible to help her with this. If she asked and you want to be there I think you should be."

"I'm asking if I can go with you Meredith."

"Yes." She turned away before she got completely caught up in those eyes. "Goodnight Derek."

He kissed her softly on top of her head. "Sweet dreams Dr. Grey."

She watched him walk back to his car. _I'm in trouble._


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

The day of Denny Duquette's funeral dawned bright and sunny. Somehow that just seemed fitting. Meredith went to Izzie's room to see how she was doing. Izzie looked stunning in a long black dress and she had her hair perfectly done and exquisite makeup. She was just sitting on the bed. Staring at the wall. Alex sat behind her in a chair just waiting.

"Hey Iz."

"Hi."

"Do you need anything?"

With venom in her eyes, Isobel looked up at her roommate. "You can't give me what I need Meredith. No one can." Alex shook his head in the background. His eyes met Meredith's.

"Okay. Well…I'm going to go get ready."

"Make sure you wear a pretty dress for McDreamy," Izzie said sarcastically.

Meredith looked questioningly at Alex before walking out of the room.

Alex got up and kissed Izzie on the forehead. "I'm going to get some breakfast." Izzie just stared after him as he left, not moving from where she had been sitting in her dress for almost two hours.

"What the hell was that about?" Meredith turned to Alex as he came down the stairs.

"She's been up since 4:30 this morning. I tried to get her to come back to bed and she just said that she had to get ready. That everything had to be perfect. She yelled at me to get up and get ready too. She spent two hours in the bathroom. And then she just kind of went blank. And sat there. I think she's coming to terms with the fact that he's really gone. And it's not going to be easy."

"Poor Izzie."

George walked into the kitchen. "What's up? How is she?"

"Not good. I think this is the 'anger' phase." Meredith shook her head. "I don't know what to do. We only have about 45 minutes. I have to get ready." George and Alex went upstairs to sit with Izzie.

At 9:30 the doorbell rang and Meredith let Derek in. "How is she?" he asked.

"Not good. She lashed out at me this morning and has been just sitting on her bed in her dress all morning."

They heard a voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm fine. Thanks." Izzie said as she walked down the stairs, once again flanked by Alex and George. "Let's go." She shot Derek a dirty look.

The three interns shared a concerned look over Izzie's head.

"I said I'm FINE! Stop looking at each other like I'm some damn patient that's about to lose it. I am ready to leave." She walked out the door and stood in the driveway.

The four doctors in the living room headed out the door to support their friend.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

As they drove to the gravesite from the funeral home everyone was silent. Izzie had not spoken again and it was uncomfortable in the limo.

Izzie stumbled as she got out of the car, but Alex was there to catch her. She looked up at him and tears welled up in her eyes. She quickly looked away, but Alex's heart was breaking for her. He put his arm around her waist and led her to Denny's resting place.

Derek and Meredith hung back a few feet. There were a few other people there from the hospital and a few friends Denny had made on his travels. Izzie couldn't look at any of them. Her eyes were fixated on the box that imprisoned her Denny. She started to shake as the minister started the ceremony. Alex felt her trembling and held her even tighter. "You are going to make it," he gently whispered in her ear. She put her head on his shoulder and the tears finally started to flow.

Derek gently grasped Meredith's hand. She looked so beautiful. The pain and concern she felt for her friend were finely etched on her porcelain face. He longed to gather her in his arms and protect her from everything. She looked up at him with the whisper of a sad smile on her face. He just squeezed her hand and looked back to the minister. Meredith traced his profile with her eyes. She loved this man. Loved him with everything she knew. As she looked to her broken and fragile friend she knew that she had to try. She never wanted to feel the pain that Izzie felt. She was willing to give Derek another chance before it was too late. Now she had to tell him.

The minister was closing the service when Isobel Stevens lost it. She just lost it. Izzie fell to the ground with a wail so heartbreaking that tears immediately sprang to Meredith's eyes.

"Izzie-" Meredith, George, Alex, and Derek all rushed to her at once.

"You have to let him go Izzie, you have to," said George gently.

"No, no, no, no, no, NO I can't. I just can't George. I can't." She looked like a broken doll lying on the ground.

Derek lifted her up and looked to the minister. He finished his service and the other mourners began filing out.

George, Alex, Derek and Meredith stood by as Izzie went to stand by Denny's casket. She took one of the white calla lilies off the top and held it in her trembling hands. She glanced back to her friends. "These were the flowers I wanted to carry at our wedding. They're so beautiful."

"Iz-"

"No Mer, I'm okay. I need a few minutes with him."

"Okay."

The other four backed up to give their dear friend her space. Izzie sank down and laid her head on top of Denny's casket. She started softly sobbing. It was the most gut wrenching sound Alex had ever heard. He wanted to go to her, but he knew this was something she had to do on her own. He bowed his head as she began telling Denny goodbye.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

"That was rough," Derek said as he and Meredith were sitting on the porch after the funeral.

"Yeah. I hate that she had to go through that breakdown, but I think it might be for the best. She won't start to heal until she knows that he's gone. Really gone." Meredith looked at him with sad eyes.

"Like you couldn't heal?"

"Derek-"

"I'm sorry Mer. So sorry for all these months that I hurt you. It hasn't been easy for me either. It wasn't an easy choice." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew he had said the wrong thing. Sometimes he wished he could just hide under a rock.

Meredith looked at him with ice in her eyes. "How sad Derek. Seriously? It was hard? For you?" Meredith shook her head and got up. "I have to go in and see Izzie."

"Mer wait."

"No, I'll see you later. Thanks for coming." How could she love this man? He was so irritating. As she walked in the house she shook her head. She leaned against the wall and took a breath. They needed to get things out in the open. She had to stop running away. Meredith turned around and walked back onto the porch where Derek was still sitting with his head in his hands.

"Mer I'm so-"

She pulled him up so he was standing in front of her. "Shhh. No more apologies. This is hard and I think I have the right to be a little sensitive, but if we're going to try, we both have to."

"I want to make things right with you Meredith."

"Well, you can start by taking me somewhere."

"Where? Do you want to go for a ride?" He looked at her with a mischievous grin on his face.

"NO," she said as she lightly shoved him. "Pick me up Tuesday morning and we're going to have our first real date. It's about time, don't you think?" She gave him a shy smile and looked down.

Derek's heart melted. "I'll be here at 10. Okay?"

"Yes."

"Does that mean I don't get to see you until Tuesday?" he asked.

"Yes." Meredith got up and went into the house.

Izzie was sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal when Meredith walked in.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm going to the store later. Do you need anything?" Meredith asked gently.

"No, I think I'm going to go to the hospital and talk to Dr. Webber. Alex is going to take me."

"That's good Iz. Do you know what you're going to do?"

"No. No I really don't. I did what I thought I had to and I don't regret it. I'll take whatever consequences there are. It doesn't really matter to me anymore."

Meredith walked over and gave her friend a hug. "If you need me I'm here. I'll be back soon."


	13. Chapter 13

Please R&R. I know it's been awhile and I promise more soon...

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Sunday afternoon Meredith was getting into the elevator to go up to the third floor. Derek slid in right as the doors were closing. He had tried staying away from her but couldn't help himself. He grinned and raised his hands defensively as she gave him a frustrated look.

"I tried. I did. I can't help it." He moved over a little closer. "Hi."

"I told you no McDreamy eyes until Tuesday." Meredith bravely tried to hide the smile forming at the corner of her lips and moved to the front of the elevator.

"I miss you. Tuesday is too far away."

"It's two days Derek. I think we'll make it."

"Okay." Derek moved to stand behind her until he was so close she could feel the hairs on the back of her neck tingling. He loved the smell of her hair.

"I'll see you Tuesday," she said as she walked out of the elevator without even a glance behind her.

Derek got the point. The ball was in his court and he was going to make sure he never lost her again.

Tuesday morning was finally here. It was a typical rainy Seattle day. Derek was looking out over his land with a smile on his face. Nothing could dampen his plans for this day. He went inside to get things ready for Meredith.

Meredith Grey was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. She felt horrible for being this happy when her friends were going through so much. And she was scared. Scared to give Derek her heart when he had already broken it. She sighed and rolled out of bed to get ready. Derek had told her to dress casually, but beyond that he wouldn't tell her anything. Typical Derek.

Mer answered the door to a drenched Derek with a bunch of soaking wet lavender blossoms in his hand.

"Hi."

"Hi." Derek leaned over and kissed her cheek. "You ready?"

"Yep. Are you going to tell me where we're going now?"

"Not on your life," Derek answered.

As they boarded the ferry Meredith's smile warmed Derek's heart. Derek had rented a cabin on Vashon Island for the two of them just for the day. As they stepped off the ferryboat the rain slowed to a very light drizzle. Derek had their entire day planned, from whale watching to a guided walk through the island to a romantic sunset dinner at their cabin before they left for Seattle.

Sunset. Dinner. A beautiful red dress that Derek had laid out for her on the bed. And him. Looking at his chiseled profile in the light of the setting sun, Meredith sighed with happiness. Lord how she had missed him. Missed their flirting and the easy chemistry.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"That I'm happy."

"And…" he looked at her knowing there was more.

"That this wasn't really a date!" Meredith started laughing, knowing that wasn't what he had wanted to hear.

Derek smiled his smile, _their smile_, at her.

"No, but I have to say this was better than dinner at Red Lobster, which was the alternative."

Meredith laughed, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. "I don't want to go back. I feel like we're in this bubble, this happy place that's going to shatter as soon as we go back."

Derek took her hands, turning serious, and turned her face towards his own.

"Meredith, look at me. I have been lost without you. Lost, and I didn't even know it. I wasn't alive until I met you. Over my years in New York, I lost my sense of self, I lost who I was. And you woke me up. You made me whole again. And I screwed up. I felt some sense of responsibility and attachment that forced me to make a horrible decision. I was wrong. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for the months of agony that I put you through. I want to spend the rest of my days making that up to you. I can and will do whatever I can to prove that to you. But you have to let me. Please. Can you do that? I know it won't be easy and I know I don't deserve it. But can you try? For me?"

How was she supposed to resist that? That smile and those eyes? Simple, she couldn't.

"Yes." she whispered. Derek picked her up and carried her into the cabin.


End file.
